Three Weeks

It's been three weeks.
Words are failing me today.
I wish I could post a cute picture of a baby with a "I'm 3 weeks" sticker.
I wish the dark circles under my eyes were from sleep deprivation from cluster feedings.
That is not our reality.

Instead I'm learning to say "Yes" and "Thank you" when friends bring us dinner or groceries, send us money, and offer professional massages.
I'm learning to rest when I need to rest,
to eat because my body needs food even if I don't want anything,
and to cry before my throat starts to burn from holding the tears in.

This is not fun.
I still want my baby girl with me,
but that is impossible.

I want to face this thing head on.
To feel all the feels
and come out on the other side transformed. 

I'm choosing to believe this is not meaningless suffering.

"If God has allowed suffering in your life, it is for a purpose.
A good purpose. A holy purpose."
Nancy Guthrie, Holding on to Hope

I'm functioning. 

I'm crying. 

I'm holding on to scripture.

"For no one is cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief,
he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love."
Lamentations 3:31-32

It's been three weeks. 

It feels like one minute. 

It feels like a hundred years.