I've never had to deal much with grief.
Even though I've heard about the five stages I haven't really experienced them.
Here's what I know so far:
They are not linear.
It's not 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and done.
So far I have hit denial and bargaining.
Denial.
Craig and I both feel like we are just coming out of the fog.
The reality has set in that Naomi is really gone.
But then there are moments when it feels like there is no way this really happened.
Bargaining.
The Friday of Mother's Day weekend Craig came home from work and told me we were going to buy a bed.
We have had our mattress on a metal bed frame for 8 years.
We went to the furniture store and walked up to the the bed we've been eyeing for over a year now.
OUT OF STOCK
After some laughter and discussion we settled on another bed.
It was in stock, less expensive, and we decided we liked it better than option A.
Once the bed was in place it transformed that corner of our unfinished and mismatched bedroom.
We laid down and I mumbled,
It's great, but I sure wish we had our baby instead.
I've caught myself making these bargaining comments quite often.
XYZ is good, but I'd rather have our baby.
Thinking this way isn't going to bring her back.
Just because you have experienced one stage doesn't mean you can't circle back.
The thing they don't list as one of the five stages is GUILT.
Here's the nasty thing about guilt -
In the moments when you do feel good,
when joy starts to come creeping back in,
as soon as you realize you are feeling good
guilt comes and punches you in the gut.
How can you be feeling happy again after your loss?
So that's where I find myself today.
Anger and depression scare me.
I'd be happy to skip those.
It's been five weeks.
It feels like one minute.
It feels like a hundred years.
