Let's be honest, today was one of the lowest days of my life. After struggling through infertility for over a year you'd think I'd be used to it.
I'm not.
Tuesday night I took a pregnancy test.
Negative.
Wednesday after work I took a pregnancy test.
Negative.
Thursday I bought a fancier pregnancy test and took it after work.
Not Pregnant.
Friday morning after I got out of the shower I started my period.
I knew we were not pregnant. The little lines or lack thereof had made that evident all week. As I picked up my purse and my morning smoothie to walk out the door I lost it. I'm talking full out sobbing: tears all over my face, grasping for breath, fogging my sunglasses crying. This works while you are sitting in your house but isn't so great while you are driving to work. Anyway, I new we weren't pregnant but when my body kicked in to let me know it was more than I could handle.
I went into work with a red face and puffy eyes. For some amazing reason no one asked me what was wrong. My boss did look at me a little funny but kept whatever he was thinking to himself. I only started to cry at my desk once but kept it under control. The work day wasn't so bad.
Then I got home and saw an insurance explanation of benefits that Craig must have brought in yesterday. I opened it and realized that bills from last year that I had resubmitted to insurance had been denied once again. The doctor tells me they should be covered and insurance denies them. It's exhausting going back and forth between them. I have one bill that I'm waiting on a response on and I'm afraid it's going to be sent to collections even though insurance should pay it.
If I decide to fight all the claims who knows how long that will take. Remember these are from last year! If they deny them again then we owe $1192.62. It looks like the hospital had me overpay them before my surgery and we should get back $943.43. It's close to evening out the unexpected bills, but I thought that overage from the hospital was going back into our savings account since we borrowed from ourselves for my surgery.
So here I sit devastated by another failed cycle, medical bills out our ears and somehow in the midst of that I have to pull myself together to have hope for the next 30 days. This process is all too exhausting.
I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking to hear it will all work out; that we just need to relax and have fun. I don't care what Bible verse you think I need to hear. I just need to be sad and for that to be alright. God is big enough to handle me in this state and He is the one who knows what I need.
I don't normally share this much. In fact, I've never come out and said I am infertile on this blog. If you have never struggled with infertility, if you have never known the pain of hearing one more person is pregnant and they weren't even trying, or seeing another picture of a little kid announcing to the Facebook world that they are going to be a big brother/sister then I wanted to give you a little picture into this world. It is a painful, painful cycle of feeling broken, alone, and longing for something that your body will not let you have. While you are dealing with all of these emotions you have to muster up the energy and hope to try again. For some people trying involves early morning temperature taking, ovulation testing, and lots of timing. For other people it's lots of doctor's visits, blood work, ultrasounds, medication, more medication and lots of money.
April 22-28 is infertility awareness week. I'd like to ask that you do something during the month of April to love on someone who is dealing with infertility. I promise you that you know someone or many someone's who are dealing with this issue. If you can't think of anyone then I will introduce you to my friend, Annabeth. She was one of my best friends at Baylor and made a huge impact on my life. She loves Jesus more than most people I know and has one of the biggest hearts I have ever seen. You can read her story in her own words on a website that some of her friends created. If you want to touch someone in a tangible way then please consider giving her a small donation toward her IVF treatment. Please check out her story here.
Let's end on a positive note. I have two friends from home who both had trouble getting pregnant. I got to spend time with one of them recently and the other had her baby at the end of March. It is so encouraging to see God provide them with these precious little ones and I am so thrilled for these families. It gives me hope and reminds me that we are not alone.
