One day while I was pregnant with Naomi, Craig and I sat on the porch step and talked as we watched the boys play in the backyard. We often discuss what life will look like in five years, but this time the conversation turned. Neither one of us have had anything truly tragic happen in life, what was going to be our thing?
A short time later I found myself sitting in the exact same spot. This time I sat in silence next to my mom while we watched Craig play with the boys. What else do you do when you have just been told the full term baby in your belly has died? It's been a year and a half and although the pain is not as intense or constant we still miss our daughter so much - all four of us - every single day.
The reminders are so very constant. Do you know how many families with three kids are out there? Social media is an ever present, in your face reminder of the happy families. I know it is not all matching outfits and fun times, but those pictures always seem to pop up and kick me when I'm down.
I still have a room with a closet stuffed full of boxed up baby clothes. I still have no idea if or when I will be able to deal with those. A few weeks ago I opened the top box and saw a bag of brand new, unused pacifiers it almost made me vomit. When I see the actual clothes, blankets, and headbands that were bought or given for our girl it just wrecks me, still, a year and a half later.
Counseling has been so good for me. It can be intense, but I have learned so much about riding out emotions as they come and not stuffing or hiding behind them. Sometimes life gets in the way and I can't just cry it out right then and there, but I'm learning what works best for me and how to get back to that place and move through the emotions when the time is right.
Even though motherhood is still very challenging and exhausting, I find I am even more thankful for these crazy boys of mine. They still make me want to pull my hair out pretty much daily and I still fail over and over again, but they are gifts that I treasure.
Finally, and most importantly, I am so thankful to serve a personal and relational God. He continues to meet me where I am and give me just what I need as I wrestle through these intense emotions, questions, and hurts.
"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31
So what will our life look like in five years? We don't have a clue, but we pray for our family and our future and we trust that God will continue to use Naomi's life for his good.
It's been a year and a half.
It feels like one minute.
It feels like a hundred years.
