That hasn’t happened since the end of January.
Everything makes me angry these days -
baby pictures, random mothers and children in stores, Easter dresses, any talk of little girls, pregnant women,
siblings proudly showing off their new baby.
I could go on and on.
It’s all a painful reminder of what we lost - a lifetime of memories ripped away before they even began.
Instead of picking out an Easter dress or planning a first birthday party we are finalizing a headstone (which is very overwhelming) and trying to figure out what to do for the one year mark.
Parenting is hard.
Parenting through grief often times feels impossible.
One night last week I checked the camera in the boys room.
Brady had his bunny in one hand and an owl in the other -
baby sisters owl.
He was making them dance together and kiss each other.
When I asked him what was going on he said:
I was thinking about baby sister and wanted to hug her so I got owl.
While I know our hearts will continue to heal, and we can encourage and connect with other people in a similar situations, and whatever else “good” may come,
WE WILL NEVER GET HER BACK.
So many losses in life can be rebuilt or replaced.
You can’t replace a life!
People often ask me or my family members if we are going to have another baby.
Guess what, that makes me angry too!
It is disrespectful to Naomi and to our grieving process.
It’s not a simple yes or no.
I’m old - advanced maternal age.
We’ve experienced a full-term loss which puts you at a higher risk for another loss.
Just the thought of the emotional stress pregnancy after loss would cause is overwhelming.
My body is beat up from the three previous pregnancies.
We are still grieving.
Tomorrow is 11 months from when we found out Naomi had died.
The next day is 11 months from when we met her.
We feel like we’ve aged 11 years.
I’m so very tired.
